New week

After a really lazy weekend, when I barely left the house, I finally feel how my energy is back.

During a nice long run in a light rain today, all my thoughts got more structured. It made me feel lighter and relieved me from the pressure of the unorganized thoughts. After the run I was able to work more effectively.
I realized, just 2 more months till my German finals. I have to keep up with the language and I am willed to put the needed effort into it.

But the best news of the day is, that tomorrow I will be able to skype with my lovely daughter! It has been a long time since I have seen her little cute face.

Right now there is hard rain hitting the roof of the house and the patio and it is nice to know to sit in the dry and warm house.


I just had my dinner. Afterwards I felt that the smell of the food was stuck in my beard. Uhh, awkward... I'm wondering, how do other men do that? Do they always directly wash their beard after eating? Do they eat differently? I'm definitely wondering...

"I am not discouraged because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." (Thomas Edison)

Today is Friday...I wish to go somewhere out there to have some nice and quiet time, maybe to ski.
Unfortunately I´m stuck at home, but that doesn´t mean I cannot have a good time here watching very inspiring movies. One of those movies that makes me cry, every-time I watch it, is "The Pursuit of Happyness".
God, this is one of the provable facts, that dreams can come true, if you work really hard for it. Like this guy said: If you got a dream, you have to protect it. You want something go and get it.

I want to share a video with you... so amazing.
If you have a family: father, mother, son, that´s a blessing. They help you to overcome the hardest and ugliest difficulties of life. When you don´t have those pillars in your life, it´s terrible. You feel alone and lonely. I myself have a beautiful daughter that I cannot see for the moment. It´s almost a year without playing with her, without kissing her, without watching her favorites cartoons till she falls asleep. But she is my anchor, she is my everything, she just came to this world at the right time and at the right moment to save me, because I was kind of lost.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me".    Philippians 1:13

Row, row, row the boat...

Bloody mood of mine is killing me. Just to think about all the commitments I have to do in order to align and clear up a bit the road. It's a lot of stress. But I need to do whatever it takes. I just have one chance and I won't waste it. God knows I'm worth it. He'll give me all the necessary strength and fill up my heart with joy even in very tough times. I will take every opportunity to learn, because knowledge  and wisdom are gifts from above that will take me to places.

Today was my first guitar lesson. It was very funny for me. It seems that I have certain artistic skills. I even played a song named:

"Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream."

I know it's a kids' song, but it was so much fun. And it helps me to relax... So maybe next time I'll upload a video.

"Listen to your heart, trust your gut. If the way seems unclear look within you!"

Choices I have to make.

It is easy to give up and say fuck off everything and everybody. But the question is, Do I really want to give up? Do I really want to give up to live my dreams? When the obstacles are coming more often and the path is getting darker and darker and narrow. It is feel like there is no more option, no more light at the end of the tunnel. But from a very very deep spot of my heart, right there, right in that moment something turned on and started a real revolution in me. I started to have flash backs from all I´ve been through, all that I suffered, all that I left behind in order to follow my dreams. So giving up everything was not an option. The thing is, when we learned how to quit it easily becomes an habit. So right after I saw all this in my flash backs, my Host/big sister came into the kitchen and asked me: "Xavier, how do you feel?" - "Like I was run over by a truck.
 I just want to drop everything and stop thinking about this crappy dream and go home."
Carolina (host/big sister) was a bit mad at me, because of my bloody mood, and she said: "Well, give up is really easy. It  is the easiest way, but not  the most comfortable feeling. Everyone can just walk away, but not everyone can stand the pressure and the pain!"
I felt, that I have to do what others wouldn't do. Fight, risk, and achieve what others don´t.
Thanks to Carolina, I´m able to keep standing for what I want. She found something valuable to get enrolled in the University of my like. I still have to faith that I will get in it. I know God is with me and faith is the last thing I can loose.  No matter how hard life gets, no matter how many troubles can come across, faith and believing in yourself are the things that can make the difference.
It is a long road, but I´m pretty sure it´s worth it, and if I can find a road with no obstacles it probably doesn´t lead me anywhere.

"If it's hard and the path is full of obstacles it is because you are on the right way!" (Gabriel Bermudez)

A different world

I was knocked out for half of the day today. My head was burning, my body was shaking, and I felt  awkward and weak. It was impossible to join school today. Hope it wont become worse.

When I finally got up, I was told by one of the other students in the house that there had been found a bomb in a dropped bag at the main station, which is right opposite of my school. The station and the area around had to be evacuated for hours. Luckily the bomb squad was able to deactivate it.

When I heard about the whole story I couldn't believe it right away, it sounded so surreal. But then I realized that I was not anymore in my country. This here is different. This is Europe. Everything can happen here. So why shouldn't it be possible that my dream becomes true here?!"

Later, right at the time when I was thinking about to prepare my dinner, my German brother Phil-Matyce (10yrs) asked me:
 "Xavier, are you hungry?" - "Yes." - "Don´t worry, I´ll cook for you." - "Nice, okay, I will cook for you tomorrow then." - "No,no, I will do that for you again..."
It surprised me somehow, why this kid wanted to make me feel comfortable. He sensed that I wasn't feeling well. I was realizing, that family does not necessary has to be by blood... family is where you feel safe... where the people around you make you feel special... and of course, where you feel loved.
As I once read: "You don´t choose family. They are God´s gift to you, as you are to them!"

" Cuando la noche se torna mas oscura, es porque va amanecer."
 

Just like the weather...terrible

Today is one of those days when I´m feeling really awkward...I mean down. I just find out, that one of the Universities has had the deadline on November first. O.M.G....it feels terrible, I´m running out of time...don´t know what to do. I´m speechless, now I have to find out an other way. Those things make me desperate.
The hardest part is fight again the frustration and to be able to see other opportunities. It would be easier just to drop everything right now, but this would make me a quitter again and I don´t want that. I don´t want to be someone who walks away so easily...I´m here to stay and make the difference that I can make. I had to learn what I´ve got and what I´m not. I need to find out of what I am made of...

"The pain is temporary... but the pride is forever! Unknown"

Never give up!

It sadly looks like that my dreams want to split out in two parts. I was checking some Colleges, to be able to join with the combination Theater Art and Communication, but they don´t offer it. I think this is kind of a test. Testing my will, my heart, my guts, my courage. A bit tricky. It doesn´t mean  I´m going to quit. It´s a long tough road.
I´ve been procrastinating things, but not anymore. Quitting is not an option. Rather go for all or nothing.
I mean, of course there will be days at which I´m going to feel like crap, trash, even with low self-esteem (happened before), but then, right in that moment I have the opportunity to fight back and make the difference. "Fight hard for what you really want and go for it". I myself am my biggest enemy. When that happens to me I try to go for a long walk, do exercise or biking - to become active not passive.
It's not allowed for me to go down with my mood, so I'm trying to use my mind as instrument not to be used as an instrument of my own thoughts.
Is not permitted to give up, no more excuses. This is my dream, my life, my battle. I´m not giving up and I don't let slip the rope, no way, not a bit. If I want different results in my life I have to change some things in it. I need to keep moving, I'm still alive and ready enough to go for what I want and with a lot of effort there will be a way to achieve it for sure...

Ooh, I almost forgot it, today I learned a lesson from a kid. There was today a musical on rollerblades here in Bonn, where my siblings (German family) were performing in. One of the kids fell down really awkward, but she right away got up and back on her feet with a huge smile on her face.
A very interesting thing. After we failed in some task in our daily life we feel or even look desperate, rather than to smile back at the situation,we let those things swallow us completely. We need to be able to go back on our feet and smile. We still have a second chance to do the things right.
I believe that...and you?!

"The show the is not over till the curtains are down and the lights are off..." (X.C.)

December 07, 2012 - Snow

Well, today was the first day in my life that I saw snow. I was in my German class, when a friend of mine said: look Xavier, it´s snowing. I was so exited that I forgot where I was and screamed out loud "yeah...it´s so beautiful." And everyone in class laughed out loud. It feels so unreal to see the snow, I mean I come from a very hot country where the lowest temperature reaches  25°C in winter.
The streets in this beautiful city look so bright and full of life with the light from the stars, the moon, and a tiny, little layer of snow. All this made from the terrible cold something to delight of. It makes you really feel that you are almost in Christmas time, even though I´m not feeling comfortable with the idea of Christmas.
Sometimes I feel like the green guy from the Christmas story..."The Grinch". No good memories of the past, but as someone has told me: If you want a new life, you need to build up new memories.
So this feeling, when I see the snow, reminds me as well (thanks to Coca Cola) of the advertisement which I used to watched as a child...the polar bears looking for their drinks forming a line and just enjoying the moment. Watching the fall of the snow! Right now I´m doing it and for me that is priceless.

Oh, I almost forget to mention that I´ve had my first snow fight with my host family and made my first snow angel. I have to admit, it was a lot of fun. If you have snow, just go out and enjoy it.

It's never to late to have a new dream and you're never to old to start fighting for it!